Sharing My Voice
"Belonging - “being part of something bigger but also having the courage to stand alone, and to belong to yourself above all else. A practice that requires us to be vulnerable and learn to be present with people without sacrificing who we are."
- Brene Brown
08/14/2024
ive always had Trouble sharing. Which makes sense being I am an only child, but the type of sharing I'm talking about is different. I’ve always considered myself a giving person, even over giving at the dispense of my own being because I cared so much about others.I thought that if i preformed perfectly that would make them happy with me and thats how i made sense of the idea that i was doing something"right" , "good or "worthy".It began to be how i made sense of myself and who I was. Often putting them and their value on a pedestal above myself and betraying who i was in the process. Sometimes for the right reasons and truthfully, sometimes for my own ego. We’ve all been there. On the outside I was very good at it but in terms of honoring that on the inside; I felt intense fear, blame and insecurity.
The type of sharing I'm talking about has more to do with my own self agency, autonomy and my own permission to freely do so. The tools of my authenticity that I've always held back are One, standing firm in projecting my voice and two, the allowance to take up space. Both voice and space have many layers to them in terms of my inner and outer world. I'll come back to those layers in a different moment. When the time and place is right.
This made the ground underneath me in my outer world feel like constant egg shells and inwardly it left me feeling like I'm diluted. Un-sturdy and Liquidly draining the foundation and core of myself; taking from both energy sources that were there to hold me up and bring me into my life. Like anything in life speaking up and sharing my voice and taking authority in space will be a constant practice. Something new to get use to. Especially because I'm just beginning. It's not one end all be all where one day I won't be scared to do so. Just like with doing anything vulnerable it's scary. Sharing TRUTHFULLY is exactly that; vulnerable. There will be multiple times where the truth of the present will be a necessary calling and a place I can choose to tap into or shove down somewhere inside. No matter what it's always there and no amount of running or shoving will make its presence not exist. Being able to face the truth of a moment free of judgement or internalization is a block made to build your character; not lock you in.
I'm working on being able to stand strong in my self advocacy. Saying what's on my mind. Having an opinion. Speaking up for what I feel, what I think, what's in my heart, MY lived experience in MY shoes, what feels right to me, my story, for what I value and what I believe in .
Even if that means standing alone, upsetting others, not fitting in, disagreeing, getting judged, pissing off some people, being “cringe” OR not following a conditioned self image. Not being the person I thought I had to be and moving forth without apology. I no longer want to be hostage to holding in or conforming to the voices, opinions, places and people around me. We are constantly in a state of relation and communication to the world around us; we all are born with our own language and code which is a gift to be shared and embraced. And you best believe that after suppressing for SO long; boy will i have A LOT to express.
I think that is a big reason why I played that game for a while. It's because I was in search of something, something I already had all along. I was just distracted and looking in all the wrong places. When trying to play a role or when your ego is trying to look for an identity to anchor onto; what our spirit is really longing for is belonging. Our own given permission and birth right to belong; to our authenticity and in communion/community with others.But to also belong and have our place in the world.
What I found underneath my tiresome search for belonging was what I really needed was acceptance. No longer from the dependency of others, achievements or “shoulding” myself to death. It had to come from a place within myself based on the value I bring from the inside as a catalyst to become who I want to become on the outside. Letting that rhythm attract and manifest my reality.
The ego just wants importance and superiority. That's what drove a lot of my tendencies, impulses, intentions and perspectives. Yet when things stem from heart and soul the ripple effect butterflies from a state of feeling an energy and acting from that place; opposed to thinking. Feeling offers wisdom that the mind can't fulfill.
It feels good to feel important but what I am learning is that what feels even better than that is; feeling connected. To yourself. To the presence of the life around you; which is the intimacy that is much bigger than just yourself. It makes you realize you were never separate, you were only already and always a part of something that goes beyond yourself. No matter where your feet are. Just let yourself be and love yourself enough so you can love others in a greater depth.
